Our Children

Today, it’s about our children. In 4 simple words, THEY NEVER GO AWAY! We raise them from infants to grown adults. We feed them, clothe them, put a roof over them, and of course we try to educate them. But, they never go away. IT'S FOREVER!

If someone had told me that, before my ex-wife and I had a child, I may have given it more consideration.   Not that I don’t love my son, as I do very much. He has made me very proud. He has been working for a major airline for over 12 years. In his free time he became a commercial helicopter pilot. He helps me when I need help around my home, he is a gentleman, a very kind and considerate young man with a great sense of humor. I am very blessed as we are very close, along with my wife, they are my 2 best friends in the world.

When I was 18 and graduated from high school, I couldn’t get out of the house fast enough. I left skid marks in the living room carpeting I wanted out so bad. This was during an era that was called a generation gap. It was “we (the brilliant children we were)” against “them (our know it all parents)." We didn’t see eye to eye on anything. It was the middle 60’s and there was peace and love. Just not with our parents. They were the enemy. I screwed up. I admit it, openly. I didn’t learn an important aspect of raising children from my parents.

Actually most of my entire generation screwed up. We all felt we would never be like our parents and treat our children how they treated us. Instead, we would make them our “friend” so we wouldn’t have such an adversarial relationship.  Very big mistake. My generation miscalculated a major factor. If they like you and are your friend, they won’t go away. If they hate you, or dislike you alot for those who are uncomfortable with the word “hate,” when they are becoming semi-adults like most 16-18 year olds do, they’ll leave as quickly as I did.

When my son came home from college, as he knew most everything there was to know, he came to live with me. His mother had raised him in the house he lived in for the first 18 years of his life.  The one I lost in the divorce when he was 4. She did a nice job, as she was much better as a mom than she did as a wife. I bought another home when he was 10 and I had him every weekend from then on.  Interestingly, he never went to live with her after he turned 18. He always returned to me. I think he also liked my lifestyle.  I was a cool Dad with all the toys.

When he was 18 I no longer paid child support.  So to celebrate,  I went out and bought a Mercedes 560SL two-seater convertible. I knew I could afford it, as I no longer paid his mother the child ransom. I let him drive it when I first got it. He loved that car.  I asked him if he wanted one of his own. He quickly responded YES! I said, Good! Did you know that 97% of people that own these cars are college graduates? So when you graduate from college you can buy your own!"

While living with me, I would love it when he would stand in front of the refrigerator and state, “There is nothing to eat here!” I always quickly replied, “I wouldn’t put up with it, I’d move out if I were you. Maybe you should go live with your mother.” We then went to the grocery store to fill his constantly empty body.

I was single for 16 wonderful years. I usually only dated women 10+ years younger than myself so I wouldn’t have anything in common, except for a good time. I was a confirmed bachelor, the envy of most of my married friends.  Finally, I met a wonderful woman, only a year and a half younger. That was a little over 17 years ago and now nearly 14 years later, we are still happily married. I found out you can be “Happily Married.” It’s not an oxymoron. I honestly thought you could be happy or you could be married. Not both. I was wrong. Did that deter my son from returning to his dad. In a word, nope.

He and I have a great relationship. I have always wanted to keep it that way. When my new wife moved into “my house” she quickly moved most of what I had out and moved her “stuff” in or changed most everything in my house so we could have “our house,” for a while any way. A couple of years later, I added an additional 1000 square feet to the house, re-did the bathrooms with granite countertops, etc. I thought, now it was “our house.”

Wrong again. Then my son kept moving home with me as he “liked” me. Once he moved an entire mile away and after a year, he returned again. My wife Leslie, informed we were still living in “my house”.  So I went house hunting. The first home I found was on 5 acres, a separate out building which I could have as my home office. It had a 1 ½ acre pond stocked with bass and brim. Another acre was fenced for the dogs. It even had an elevator. I was a happy guy.

Excitedly I called my wife at work and told her I found “our new house.” She came directly from work with a few of her co-workers to see the home. I was shocked she wasn’t impressed ….. at all. How could I have been so wrong? Why didn’t she like it? Because it didn’t have enough closet space. How stupid of me.

I was upset, after all it’s my money I worked hard for all these years to pay for it. What had I done to myself? For 16 years, I consulted with no one and I made all the decisions, I was always happy. It was then I realized......I was married. It’s not about what I alone wanted. I was dumb-founded, but understood my challenge.

Fortunately, we eventually found “our house” with enough closets for her and a couple of acres of pond for me. We were now both happy in "our house." So this is what being happily married is about. Now, I had to tell my son we were moving out on him.

I asked him if he would like to live in the house he grew up in, alone, well with roommates other than my wife and me. He looked at me in a gleeful daze and quickly agreed. I said I had some bad news, that we would have to leave the hot tub in the new sunroom I just had built. He smiled and said he understood and could handle the bad news. I also told him I had to leave the Bose 5.1 stereo system as it was built into the walls. Again he said he would deal with the bad news as best he could. Now he could live in the bachelor pad with all the toys without me around.  He was a happy guy.

Finally, I explained he would have to pay rent along with his new roommates to cover the mortgage. He understood and said he would never be late. And he has never been late on the rent.

While visiting the "our new house" for the first time, he commented, “ I’m going to like it here, Dad.” I quickly replied, “No, you aren't.  Just like in holiday dinners, you live in the “kids’ house”. Children are no longer living with us. If anyone wants to move home, they go there. He replied, “Really? I figured every few years everybody moves one up.” As you can see he also has my sense of humor. That was 11 years ago. He still hasn’t moved out. Now he and his new fiancé live there and they are making it “their house."

Moral of the story……… learn from your parents or grandparents. When your children are 16 or so and dislike you and think you are an idiot, leave it alone, let them hate you. I speak from experience, never make your children your friend as they will never go away. If they dislike you, they will leave quickly.

Some of us are lucky, like myself. My son turned out exactly how I would have wanted him to. He's never done anything to shame his family and we, even my ex-wife and I, are still friends after being divorced for 30+ years. I guess we were right after all as a generation. He was a pleasure to raise, we don't fight, and never did.  I may have pissed him off a time or two.  But I was just doing my job as a father, which is to piss our children off and to make their life miserable from time to time.  Actually, I am glad it worked out the way it did.  

All of you raising your children today. Take a lesson from us, make them your friend not your enemy. It works and you will be happy you did in the long run. But it doesn't mean you can't joke about it as I have today. When I see him, we always kiss each other on the cheek and when he leaves, we do it again.  We end every phone conversation with, "I Love you." Guess we did do a better job than our parents did after all. 

One last thought, I love going to the grocery store and seeing some young kids acting up in the store as their parents try to control their embarrassing behavior. I quietly walk up to them, especially a father, and say “they never go away.” Every Dad laughs and thinks to himself, “What have I done?” I smile and walk away. I think to myself, I have done a good deed, I warned them. I’ll bet their parents didn’t explain that to them as well. Try it, it’s always gets a good laugh.