The Black Hole. Have you ever noticed that no matter what you have in the front seat of your car, it will slide into the small gap between the edge of your seat and the console? It’s like a magnet. Things like your cell phone, credit cards, keys, sun glasses, pills, food, pens, lighters, coupons, money – especially change, wallets, ID’s, and other various paraphernalia. Don't you love when your cell phone has found it's way to the Black Hole and it starts to ring. You know you have it with you, but you just don't know where it is. It’s amazing! I have found as I get into my car and throw a pen or anything else over to the passenger’s seat, it will disappear as I am about to sit down. The small 1 inch gap, that houses an unknown invisible creature, will suck it into the Black Hole. On the other hand, if I was actually trying to put it into the gap, I could never do it.
How do I get it out? Then, of course, I always believe I can stick my chubby little hand down into the black hole to retrieve whatever it has stolen. Nope, then it gets wedged next to the electric seat mechanism under the seat and gets stuck, as I scrape the back of my hand on the seat. It has been known to bite and make me bleed at times. The hole teases me, as I can barely touch it, it may even coerce me into pushing it further down into the hole. But I am never able to grab it with my fingers to pull easily retrieve it. No, that would be much too easy. Then I actually start calling the hole various names, which I wish not to repeat here as it still doesn’t help, except to allow me to vent my own stupidity at the Black Hole. If I knew the magic words, I would tell you to save you from this frustrating experience. There are none.
OK, now I ultimately have two alternatives to choose from. First, I can get out of the car and go to the passenger’s side, slide the passenger seat back and try to retrieve my stuff. The hole is rarely kind, but sometimes this works. More times than not, by using this method it will actually push it even further away from me and put it in a place I can only hopefully retrieve from the back seat. If this has this ever happened to you, give me an Amen. Be honest, as if you aren’t being truthful, the Black Hole will keep it from you next time something is missing.
Next, I close the passenger door and open the back door. Then the procedure is to lay down in the back floor of the car, with feet of course hanging out of the car, to see if it can be found. Note: If you see feet hanging out of someone’s back door in a parking lot, odds are they dropped their keys down into the black hole and are going through the same process I have been describing. Try not to laugh out loud, as they already know they are an idiot and may share some of their frustration with you by verbalizing the same various names I referenced earlier. This could be how parking lot rage began.
Next, I close the passenger door and open the back door. Then the procedure is to lay down in the back floor of the car, with feet of course hanging out of the car, to see if it can be found. Note: If you see feet hanging out of someone’s back door in a parking lot, odds are they dropped their keys down into the black hole and are going through the same process I have been describing. Try not to laugh out loud, as they already know they are an idiot and may share some of their frustration with you by verbalizing the same various names I referenced earlier. This could be how parking lot rage began.
Or secondly, I can wait until I go to the car wash, and the attendants mysteriously find all the crap I have not been able to retrieve since the last time I had the car washed. Many times my stuff mystically disappeared and I didn’t even realize it. They find that stuff to as they are well trained professionals who seem to have the ability to find another entrance to the black hole and retrieve my stuff. It’s an embarrassing situation, as they always put all the “lost and found” on the passenger’s seat on display. When you get into the car, you see all your stuff you thought was missing, beautifully displayed to demonstrate that they have this special power and you don’t. I usually tip generously, so they hopefully won’t tell anyone what an idiot I am. The confusion is, how does my stuff always end up there? It totally baffles me.
Cell Phones. Why must we get new cell phones every two years or so? At this point, don’t they all basically do the same thing? Is faster really better? Will a few milliseconds save you that much time you are willing to invest in a new phone? Do you really need a 4th generation versus a 3rd generation phone? Is 1/3 lighter of a few ounces than its predecessor weighs, mean it’s really light? Can you honestly tell the difference? Maybe the additional weight the earlier version has will help you tone up your arm. Who cares? Ah yes, the marketing departments of cell phone manufacturers and the cell phone communication providers, they are truly are the only ones.
Twenty five years ago I paid $1800 for a Motorola 3000, a revolutionary phone that was permanently hard wired to my car. It doesn’t do much more than a current phone I can now get for free. It still drops calls, it still is a waste of money, and if I break it I will need to buy a new one. Remember when it was nice to be left alone without some annoying ringtone or vibration? Have you ever had lunch with other business associates, when like gun slingers in the 1800’s everyone puts their hardware on the table? Don’t you love while having a meal, someone gets a call while in the middle of an interesting discussion? Is it that important to return a text under the table to your BFF? Couldn’t it wait until after the meal?
We have all been programmed by these organizations to think we need the latest, greatest, fastest, lightest, most powerful device available. Why do you and I fall for it? Ooops, there goes my new I phone, I have to answer it. It just confuses me.Was Barney Fife really wrong? OK, I am going to date myself, but those of you that never watched “The Andy Griffith Show, or later named “Andy of Mayberry.” Barney was Andy’s deputy and because he could hurt himself or others, Andy gave Barney one bullet to keep in his shirt pocket to be used only for emergencies.
Wouldn’t it be nice if all the militaries in the world were allowed to have one bullet and keep it in their top pocket for when they really needed it? We have figured out how to blow each other up with bigger and better bombs, guns, ships and airplanes. Now we even have ways of blowing each other up without anyone actually flying in the plane with remote control drones.
How has it helped us as a planet? Are we that paranoid that we need to figure out how to get them before they get us? Doesn’t it seem strange that we need a license to carry a gun, but we can buy as many bullets as we want? Guns don’t kill, people with bullets kill. What if they had just one bullet? It has always seemed strange that we kill each other in the name of peace. Have you noticed that most wars are about religion or oil? Does any of this make sense to you?
As I am putting notches on my Confusion Card.I am totally confused right now, do you have any interesting confusions you could share with me? Keep laughing and thinking, it will help make the world a better place to get confused.
See you next Tuesday with the next edition, "Things to do in an Elevator" of Notes by Blue.
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Steve, my bullet and my shotgun shell have both fallen into the black hole next to the driver's seat in my pickup truck along with who knows how many cents in change, seven or eight matches, an open safety pin from last week's dry cleaning, part of a jelly donut, an order of fries, two fish hooks and a cigar butt. Put my hand in there? No, I shall not do that. As it is, the process of connecting the seat belt adjacent to the very event horizon itself unnerves me.
ReplyDeleteStill cheers me up. Lol thanx
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