Many Of Us Would Rather Drop, Than Shop Part One

While some people enjoy shopping til they drop.  Many would rather drop than shop.  Going to a mall, a grocery store, or one of the big box discount warehouse stores has always been one of my least favorite things to do.  It’s always turns out to be very time consuming, especially in the big box stores, I always spend more than I thought I was going to spend, and I buy things I didn’t really need in the first place. 

 

We still need the essentials, like food and clothing.  But, do I really need an outdoor butane space warmer in the summer because it’s on sale?  Because it was a deal, do I really need it?  Honestly, I hate being in the cold and cooking on the grill in the cold is even a worse thought.  Why would I make it more convenient for myself to do something I dislike?  I know I will never use it, because I can’t see myself cooking on a grill when it’s 20 degrees outside. That’s why we have a kitchen in our home, right?

 It’s never going to happen.  I know it, but, I still bought it because it was on sale in this summer.  It’s still in the box and has finally made it up to my garage attic for safe keeping and because we kept tripping over it.  I know when it gets cold, I will think about using it, but actually going into the attic to get it? Who am I kidding?

Shopping for clothes is my least favorite of all shopping. I have never been a GQ type of a guy, which I am sure surprises most of my close friends.  I hate to try on clothes.  Now, I must admit, I have clothes for many sizes, as my weight does tend to fluctuate, usually larger than the previous year.  But I never throw anything away.

You never know, I may lose those extra pounds and get back to my old playing weight.  Recently, my wife became very ill and for about two months I didn’t eat much as I was in a very worrisome time in my life.  My clothes were finally too large and I could actually pull my jeans off without undoing the zipper or button. 

I thought to myself, "ah, it’s a good thing I kept those old jeans."  I searched the closet and lo and behold I found some that fit.  They still had the cleaning tag on them so I pulled it off and discovered they were last cleaned in September of 1999.  While I felt good about being able to wear them again after 12 years, it confirmed why I never throw clothes away.  Most importantly, it saved me from going clothes shopping.

Think about it.  To go shopping for clothes for me at a mall requires patience, something I honestly lack.  First, I have to finally finding a place to park in the massive parking lot, with all the other shopping professionals, (and you know who you are). I walk into a building with hundreds of different stores on two or three stories.  This is one of the few times I go with my wife, as she is definitely a professional.  She has a good eye for knowing what looks good on me, as not much does, but I think it has more to do with my body that it does of the clothes.  After going through the maze, of stores we finally find one that carries men’s clothing. 

She will lead me around and help me pick out a few things to “try on.”  For me, I try to first find a few garments I would actually wear in public.  Then after gathering a few, I am led to an area full of separate booths with a sliding curtain.  It’s like changing your clothes in a shower with no water.  This is all done to try them on to see if I can get my body into them. 

Then the “Clothes Guard” hands me a large card with a number that represents the total number of items I am going into the booth. This is done to insure I come out with the same number.  Like, I want to go to jail over stealing a pair of pants or shirt.  But, I understand the theory behind it.  Usually, the clerk – oops – The Clothes Guard – is unhappy with the world because they have to put back all the crap you just brought and put on the pile to restock.  They usually don’t count the items, and all they do is wonder where and the world did you find this stuff in the first place?   

Then I must go out and model them for my wife, and every other woman standing close waiting for her idiot husband or boyfriend to come out to do the same thing.  I was never meant to be a model, for a lot of reasons.

 I am a salesperson’s delight.  Why?  Because when I go I already know it will be a cold day in hell before I go again.  So when I find something that fits and I like, I buy them in most every color it comes in.  Because I don’t want to ever do it again anytime soon.

I will never go clothes shopping with my wife, never ever, never ever!  I would rather put a stick in my eye, than go shopping with my wife.  I have done it, and regret to this day.

Shopping for clothes for my wife is an all day affair.  Besides being totally bored, I don’t care what she wears as she has good taste and looks great in everything she wears.  Her only lack of taste exception, is of course, in men as she chose me, but that’s another story for another day. 

This is what happens, we go into a store and she knows exactly where to go for her size and style. Now begins the hunt. Why am I there?  I am certainly not going to go through the racks of clothes with her.  So I go to the “I was dragged here” to the men’s “Circle of Stupidity.”  These are all the men that weren’t quick enough to come up with an excuse to get out of going shopping with their wife or girlfriend.  I have never seen a woman in this area, I wonder why?  Could it be they are shopping and won’t sit down as they may miss something on sale?

Once in a while a store will set aside a corner of their store for one of these areas and put a TV with ESPN.  They figure the longer a guy can be amused, the longer she will shop and buy stuff.  It will have soft chairs or a sofa to keep you comfortable.  Some of the upscale boutiques will even bring you a cup of coffee, a bottle of water or a soda to keep the morons happy and content.

Then I have to magically retrace my entrance into the mall so I can possibly remember where I parked my car.  Not always an easy task.  And I love walking around with packages trying to find my car and I finally resort to pushing the key fob that locks the car and listen for where it's coming from.  It means I am close to it.  I have been know to even pop the trunk during the hunt.

See you on Thursday for Part Two of “I Would Rather Drop, Than Shop.” 

As those who have read the blog previously, I like to keep my blog interactive.  Do you have any famous shopping stories?  Send them to me at steveblue22@gmail.com  If they are funny and I have room, I will try to get it into the Thursday’s “Notes by Blue” Blog.

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